The 7 Conflict Styles

Avoider

Behavior: Withdraws or shuts down when tension arises.
Protects against: Overwhelm, rejection, escalation.
Cost: Unmet needs; emotional disconnection.
Growth Path: Stay present, name discomfort, express needs before retreating.

Aggressor

Behavior: Confronts with intensity, control, or dominance.
Protects against: Powerlessness, shame, vulnerability.
Cost: Erodes trust; provokes fear rather than connection.
Growth Path: Slow down, speak from emotion, practice listening.

Pleaser

Behavior: Minimizes own needs to keep peace; appeases others.
Protects against: Abandonment, conflict, disapproval.
Cost: Builds resentment; suppresses true expression.
Growth Path: Set boundaries, tolerate discomfort, voice honest feelings.

Freezer

Behavior: Goes numb, dissociates, or checks out in conflict.
Protects against: Emotional flooding, trauma triggers.
Cost: Feels powerless or unseen; delays resolution.
Growth Path: Track body cues, name shutdown, re-engage gently.

Deflector

Behavior: Uses humor, sarcasm, or intellect to dodge tension.
Protects against: Intimacy, embarrassment, shame.
Cost: Avoids truth; others feel dismissed or confused.
Growth Path: Stay with discomfort, speak deeper truth beneath the joke.

Truth-Teller

Behavior: Prioritizes honesty, sometimes harshly or self-righteously.
Protects against: Feeling ignored, silenced, or powerless.
Cost: Alienates others; truth becomes a weapon.
Growth Path: Speak truth with care and clarity; ensure it serves connection.

Grounded Challenger (Aspirational)

Behavior: Present, honest, compassionate, and curious in conflict.
Leans into: Accountability, courage, connection.
Benefit: Builds trust; transforms tension into growth.
Practice: Regulate your nervous system, listen deeply, speak from the "I."

Reflection Prompts

What emotion do I usually show in conflict? What am I hiding underneath it?
This helps uncover primary vs. secondary emotions (e.g., anger hiding fear or shame).

What do I fear will happen if I fully express myself in conflict?
This reveals core fears (e.g., rejection, humiliation, loss of control) and helps soften shame around them.

What conflict pattern did I inherit from my father—or rebel against?
Invite intergenerational insight. Many men either mimic or reject their father's approach.

What did I learn about myself today—especially my nervous system?
Brings body awareness into the picture: Did you freeze? Talk faster? Clench fists?

What kind of man do I want to be in conflict?
A chance to define aspirational identity—grounded challenger, clear communicator, protector of connection.